Jessica Benjamin presents a profound view of femininity and gender identity in her book Bonds of Love. Through creating a development theory that makes use of Winnicott's object relations theory, Benjamin convincingly shows that society's relation to femininity and gender is deeply dependent on the child's relation to not only to mother, but also the father. By outlining Benjamin's theory, it is possible to see how she relates gender to the questions of human motivation and social change. She starts her divergence from Freud's theory of the dominant phallus by reexamining Simone de Beauvoir's insight: that women function as man's opposite. This is an analysis of gender domination that views subject and object as complementary, each the mirror image of the other. This in turn presents a new perspective on the dualism of Western culture in relation to gender. Her central question surrounds the hypocritical nature of Western society-promoting gender equality, but psychologically persisting in male dominance and female submission. By re-evaluating the interplay of assertion and recognition and their failure of such systems within gendered relationships, she outlines the formation of domination and submission in male-female relations.

Benjamin's view on the early relationship of the infant to mother stems from Winnicott's theories of recognition and differentiation where the infant is believed to need social recognition from the mother (not necessarily just a fulfillment of needs and drives). Benjamin relies heavily on object relations theorist (especially Winnicott) when she discusses the intersubjective view which maintains that the individual grows in and through relationships to others. It is a view where in order for the child to develop socially, he must recognize that his mother is an independent object, not just part of the external world or a fantasy created out of his ego.

This differentiation occurs during the transitional realm (as described by Winnicott) which is important to understand for it often is present in intimate relationships as well as creative moments. It is a space where the subject both realizes that it created the object and discovered it-that it's both a part of his fantasy and of the outside reality. It is a moment of relaxation from stimulation-a feeling of being alone with the other. In these moment of relaxation, Winnicott proposed, when there is no need to react to external stimuli, an impulse can arise from within and feel real. (Benjamin. 1988. 128)

At the age of a year, the infant begins to realize that the mother is outside of himself and that reality creates a new tension between wanting to please the mother in order to gain recognition and asserting his agency in order to fulfilling his own desire. The infant first experiences himself as absolute and omnipotent and then searches for affirmation of that self through the other. At around age fourteen months, the toddler starts to insist on his omnipotence as a safeguard-for he is beginning to realize that in his increasing independence he can move away from the mother, but the mother can also move away from him. If he is successful in controlling the mother, he will believe that she only exists intra-psychically (in his imagination) but if she withstands what Winnicott coins the "destruction" the infant will realize that she is indeed outside of himself and will come to love her for her differences. "Winnicott is saying that the object (the other) must be destroyed inside in order that we know it to have survived outside; thus we can recognize it as not subject our mental control. " (Benjamin. 1988. 38) It is the in the infant's recognition of the other and the other's recognition of the infant where tension is maintained.

Domination and submission is not an inherent human emotion, but a breakdown of the tension between self-assertion and mutual recognition that allows the self and the other to meet as equals. As Hegel noted, "At the very moment of realizing our own independence, we realize that we are dependent upon another to recognize it." (Benjamin. 1988. 32) Which is why when the infant tries to destroy the other, he is pleased when the other survives, for it shows that the other is outside of himself and different. When the other is easily destroyed and does not retaliate, the infant believes that he is omnipotent and that all other objects are part of his fantasy and under his control. This leads to dominant behavior, were if the mother is too controlling, the infant believes that there is only room for one ego and becomes submissive. When the tension between asserting one's independence and recognizing the other becomes too painful, often the infant devalues one characteristic and idealizes the other. This is called "splitting", and it often happens when one parent is dominant and the other submissive. True independence (as valued within Western culture) is obtained through sustaining the tension between the impulse to control the other and having the other control me. For "If I completely control the other, the other ceases to exist, and if the other completely controls me, then I cease to exist. " (Benjamin. 1988. 53) If the tension is sustained, the subject enjoys the pleasure of sharing with an other a place of omnipotence.

Gender Differentiation

Our relation to the opposite sex is formulated in our need to differentiate from our mothers who represent our first encounter with the outside world. This experience is different for boys and girls. For male children they achieve their masculinity by denying their original identification with their mothers. Their father begins to be viewed as a principle of individuation and the boy begins to see the mother's goodness as a seductive threat to the boy's independence.

For girls, differentiation becomes difficult in that there is no obvious way of differentiating from her mother, therefore the female tendency is to underplay independence, for a girl's attempt at independence would be an assertion of power for which she has not basis in identification. "The girl's sense of self is shaped by the realization that her mother's source of power resides in her self-sacrifice. For the girl the agony of asserting difference is that she will destroy (internally) her mother, who isn't only an object of love but also a mainstay of identity." (Benjamin. 1988. 79) The submission that women express in an intimate relationship is a reaction to their relationship with their mother and an expression of the maternal attitude. Women must simultaneously separate and identify with the mother and may be able to gain the recognition they desire by identifying with the father to revolt against the mother.

Intimacy is created in the difference between the self and other. The stark contrast between two subjects highlights the moments when merging happens within a relationship-when mutual recognition is achieved. Desire is formed and viewed differently within a gender context. In the boy's formation of identity, he must break the identification and dependency on the other without loosing his capacity of mutual recognition altogether. During individuation, his relationship with his mother begins threatens his individuality. "The emotional attunment and bodily harmony that characterized his infantile exchange with other not threatens his identity...the other, especially the female other, is related to as object. " (Benjamin. 1988. 76) Thus is the development of the formation of the objectification and desexualizing of women and their desire.

Benjamin's discussion of the origin of women's desire helps to answer why women feel a need to be submissive in an intimate relationship. Women's desire has not been discussed, and it is often viewed through a masculine lens (in relation to the phallus). Even the image of a sexy women is not necessarily the expression of her desire as her pleasure in being desired. "...what she enjoys is her capacity to evoke desire in the other, to attract. Her power does not reside in her own passion, but in her acute desirability." In wanting to identify with the outside world in differentiation, the girls try to connect with the father as the symbol of the outside world. The father often ignores this identification and pushed the girl back to the mother which causes the girl to turn inward her aspirations for independence and unsupported by an alternate relationship, they relinquish their entitlement to desire. Often it also results in the girl loosing her sense of agency which she tried to regain through an "ideal love". In the father, the child sees itself as it wants to be, and submission to that other who seemingly embodies the agency and desire one lacks in oneself. Through her ideal love not only does she gain the recognition that she didn't get from her father, but she uses that relationship as a way of gaining a sense of agency in the outside world.

Women's true desire is formulated in an understanding of the true importance of valuing receptivity and self-expression. Benjamin believes that the" simultaneous desire for loss of self and for wholeness (or oneness ) with the other, often described as the ultimate point of erotic union, is really a form of the desire for recognition." (Benjamin. 1988.126) Her desire is created using the whole body in the Winnicott's transitional space- in the meeting and separating of two subjects. The importance of the holding, containing aspect of sexual union is often undervalued. Being able to let go and rely on the other's holding is often valued, but without the ability to hold oneself- to bear one's feelings without losing or fragmenting oneself. A balance between mutual recognition and assertion breeds desire in both men and women, but in order for women's desire to be expressed they need to discover a sense of agency that is recognized in the outside (male) world. Desire is formulated by valuing both traditional figures of infancy-the holding mother and the exciting father. (Benjamin. 1988. 131) The tension created by holding the two in balance sparks desire and the drive for intimate relationships. A breakdown of that tension leads to dominant and submissive relationship and a devaluing of women's agency and sexuality.

Benjamin outlines a very important focus that many feminist miss: the concept that in order to effectively change the gender division of society, we must find a balance between accepting our own femininity and rejecting the male ordered individualism that society (especially the US society) promotes. Her final lines were especially profound when she remarked: "(Feminism) ...means to see that the personal and social are interconnected, and to understand that if we suffocate our personal longings for recognition, we will suffocate our hope for social transformation as well." (Benjamin. 1988. 224) She doesn't believe that a complete change in our society's gender relations is possible, but she does believe that a balance should be achieved between the masculine public and feminine private spheres. Maintaining the balance between assertion and recognition within those spheres is what drives human behavior. Her recipe for social change is difficult, but one of the surest ways to institute social change: one woman at a time changing how they not only relate to men, but how they relate to other women and their children. Once women begin to value their femininity and are secure in their value of the personal, change will begin.